hello hello, new and old ~

[kradeelav]

lots of new faces here, welcome, all. :) 

while I'm sympathetic at the likely cause(s), it genuinely is a honor and a delight to see more journals here; dreamwidth's been a home for me for the last three years since migrating from tumblr, and it really does feel like one of the last few unchanging havens for the kind of souls that misses the old web. I hope this place treats you as well as it did me.

most of the introductory bits and bobs are in the profile (an old unrepentant fangirl who loves skanky bishies in leather and messing around with old tech, mostly); but, hmm. three things about myself that aren't mentioned on the profile ...

• as far as the "what I do" question goes, it's the quickest and most accurate to say I'm an art director both in my day job with a team of designers and then separately, an art director with my passion-art - though they're two quite separate handles (intentionally). for most of my 20-odd years online, kradeelav (krad) is the handle this meatbag's known as. lots of pretty boys from old games, a penchant for gunplay, and a firm love for strange power dynamics.  the art is posted on the logs (RSS friendly) of the site, not here, but you'll hear me talk about it here.
• zihark (fire emblem 9/10) is the one niche character that's stuck in my head rent-free for over, gosh - 15, 20 years now? you'll see him a lot in my art logs and here. there's a little more as to the "why' on the about page of the fanshrine I made for him; but the simplest understanding is he's a muse for me of sorts and I've long since given up justifying why. sometimes you just have a funny little cartoon character that brings you joy, whether through thinking or drawing. :)
• i'm more interested in seeing the commonalities of people than the differences, these days, and being protective of sharp, strange Art existing. strange Art wasn't always my main interest, but in this day where so very many media and pictures feel same-y in the droll cotton candy way ... one can't help but miss that glint of teeth. there's also past posts here freely musing on how I was a fundamentalist/neo-conservative a very long time ago and digging myself out of the mentality. (that said, while I'm no right-winger, I'm not a leftist or hold loyalty to identities. I find said labels constrictive to the humanity I see in many, and only care about the actions of people and if they treat others with kindness). 

for general life updates, this year’s been a weird one for me, to be honest, and you could probably suss out a little of that between the erratic art posting elsewhere and some of the infrequent mentions in earlier journals.

to make a very long story short, about this time last year cataracts started developing that needed surgical intervention. twice, of course, because life is a jerk. :D while cataract removal is usually a mild one on the scheme of things, I have a frankenstein body (see: this zine) that loves to overcomplicate things, plus some brain junk™ from 10+ previous major surgeries that, if I’ll be blunt - really shouldn’t have walked away alive from.

honestly tho, i’m just grateful to be alive.

FALKE (R18 printed comic) is the last big project out of the year, and it hits me that if nothing changes, after it’s printed I’ll have no big art or life obligations for the first time in a … very, very long time. possibility forever. there was always school, hunting for a job, working on IRON CROWN, the covid clusterfuck, surgeries … etc.  I’ve spent the last month basically just … vibing. trying to be present with others, journaling, chipping away at my to-do list, dabbling briefly with baby’s first fanfic. not having Immediate Medical Dread on your shoulders is like microdosing on something very pleasant, man.

I’m ready to get FALKE in y’alls hands properly and physically, but it’s also nice to think about what I’d like to do next year, and just continue to … Vibe.

I want to finish setting up my PC emulating system so I can play SW:Starfighter again, (sidewinder joystick and all), my favorite childhood game of all time that I keep dreaming about… i want to draw that zihark doujin i keep threatening y’all (lovingly) with, maybe just go ham drawing him in suits because why not .. i want to finish Black Jack (the anime, yes I know the irony is amazing given it’s an anime literally about surgeries lol. what if i told you there was a hot evil bishie in it.) (’oh that makes total sense krad’). part of me wants to finish WHAT GREATER SIN, that R18 hellsing doujin that got halfway finished and still holds up reasonably decent, since i have a printer that’ll do nsfw…

it’s nice to be alive to want things again.