(no subject)

something kind of funny in the last few weeks is i'll be mentally talking/rubber ducking things to the Muse about something and i'll say 'i don't mind doing this, so-'

and he'll stop me. and absolutely insist on spelling out quite bluntly what precisely i meant with "i don't mind" bit, lol. (i uh. did not realize how often i mentally said "i don't mind'. it's a lot.)

it's a lot in the sense that... it's not an active resentment, but i need to parse more why i'm so willing to automatically without thinking put that voice of hesitation on mute and so willing to just steamroll over that to get the Thing out of the way.

i also did not realize how many subtle... weights that phrase can hold? not wholly in the sense of font weights as variations but unseen heavy emotional weights. while i have gotten a lot better about politely saying no to shit i don't want to do, there's a lot of mental calculations that goes into what i do in the sense of favors to others. (not artistic favors; but like... emotional compromises? sparing x time for y and z private reasons.)

articulating that recently, with the above rubber-ducking has been... healthy, i think. an un-pondered 'i don't mind' changes into 'i think it'd be good for me to spend x amount of time talking with this family member that's not exactly fun to talk to instead of doing a guilty pleasure activity because i'd regret missing the very limited time they have on this earth, but definitely make it within a limited time frame so you don't drain yourself needlessly.'

stated communication and boundaries. never enough of 'em.