(no subject)

[kradeelav]

gender musing (mostly neutral to positive)

i was reading up some drag king history last night and a lot of what they say resonates - with it as play, choosing when to lean into the performance, but it's still a happy part of them. i don't like the word butch used for me because there's a lengthy sense of history there that just, doesn't feel like it fits like a glove like leather does. there's a different set of connotations I'm going for - less 24/7, less serious, less about sexuality and more about feeling peace and being a little silly in your own chosen skin. it's funny how my wee little leathersona doodles, personally, are a dead ringer for leaning on that drag wink.

i'm like 99% sure i'm not trans, for various reasons. probably the most substantial is I've had enough of the medical industry. even if I had a wand to experiment Being a Dude for a day and magically revert, there's no dysphoria with the body, per se. same reason that agender doesn't really fit, it doesn't solve or pertain to a problem I feel like i have. i like my weird squishy/boney screwed up body these days lol.

that said, there's an undeniable streak of quiet, subtle genderfuckery performance i do find myself deeply at home in. it's what attracted me to leather as a sort of vaguer,,, performance, of sorts? (i don't like the word identity. it's too permanent, it immediately puts one in a series of boxes, as I've talked about in the zine linked above.)

and i don't think that this idea of presentation as leaning on masc-performance has come out of nowhere either -- i've had some elderly folks in an old alzheimer's home (volunteering to play bingo for them and stuff) clearly think I was a boy, 10-15 years ago back in high school. last time I wore a dress/skirt was uhhh, probably back early elementary school - i was the first/only "girl" allowed to wear pants in deeply traditional evangelical schools b/c [boring reason related with accessibility stuff].

(a lot of my genderfuckery presentation is tied hand in hand with making peace with my frankenstein body in a practical sense for years and years, and then deciding to have fun with it. i've almost absolutely confused the hell out of uber-traditional/religious folks but who ultimately decide to give a pass given the body's just that whack. that confusion's definitely something I go for intentionally these days, versus accidentally early on.) 

the only real streak of instinctive reaction to anything gender is i'd rather be shot than put on a dress again. being called ma'am or chick or whatever doesn't evoke the same feeling. it's a pretty clear division in the monkey part of the brain between 'clothes/performance' vs body. the clothes I'm probably most comfortable in is this rando unisex camo t-shirt i'm in right now with the leather jacket on and some jeans n shit. easy, not particularly provocative, but also. just a little. you know. you know when you know. :P

my own dad, a deeply traditional fellow who's just now getting around to tolerating 'teh gays' has accidentally called me sir at least twice recently, totally sincerely and surprisingly without an ounce of ribbing or mocking or anything. (weirdly really proud of this one. what's the opposite of clocking, but accidentally and for good?) it's a little funny when mom corrects him and i'm still just grinning on the inside all 'lol fuckery ccomplished'

anyway tl;dr i'm glad drag exists as another option.

idk where I was going with this. i might draw some more of the leathersona/drag king stuff soon, i might not. thank you for reading either way <3

Comments

[amado1]

I love it, I love the weird blurry categories and the individuality that leather and drag afford. I saw a post recently on tumblr that was advocating for the LGBT community to come together and protest nationwide on June 1 to show solidarity for trans people, and I liked that idea, so I clicked on OP's blog and the first post I saw was, "Drag is for cis people only and it's super problematic and Ru Paul is the devil and--"

💀 Whiplash! The line between drag kings and trans men and butch lesbians and genderqueer people and, and, and ... it's a very thin line, it squiggles around a lot, it disappears. You might be standing firmly in Trans Land one day, and then the next, you look down and realize the border has changed without anyone telling you, and suddenly you're in Drag King Zone.

...hm. Which I realize now, comes across as fairly dismissive of your whole post, as if I'm saying, "Yes, you're drag, but also that makes you trans rather you like it or not." Not my intention. Moreso, I relate to the ??? around "identity" and labels, and it irritates me to see drag dismissed as "just a cis person" thing. IMO it's NOT cis. Sometimes it IS trans. Sometimes it's something else entirely, its own category, but it's still genderfuckery, and that's where I want to be.

[kradeelav]

<3 all good. sometimes it feels like there's trans as a specific identifier that some people latch on, and then there's trans as a spectrum that encompasses this exact kind of genderfuckery, to your point. almost like, a dance floor, if you will - where we're all making room for each other. each little new definition gives us all that much more space to breathe easy in.

(oy vey at that tumblr post. what do you want to bet whoever made that was a young queer; we both know how blended that line is between all those presentations and identities have been since the very first days - i mean, look at the brave folks who started STAR (Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries).

[armaina]

Just a passing observation, but it seems to me like there are threads of religious trauma that's also jumbled up in the gender expression. Probably to the point that it can't be separated from the gender performance experience so it doesn't 'read' like other dysphoria.

Only you can say for yourself, of course, but wanted to say it just in case.

[kradeelav]

you know, do think you're onto something (especially even with some trace nods mentioned here and there in this very post, much less other ones), and thank you for going the extra mile of saying so and being observant there.

[vsitante]

[nodding very much in thought along this post] because I have not a lot of brain power to say much. Except maybe that clothing does give a lot of power to that genderfuckery. At least, for me, in my own journey it's felt more in that line. It has to be *specific* clothing though, which may or may not be an obvious thing, but :'D

[kradeelav]

hear hear for finding and picking out clothing that fits us like a second skin with pride. <3