![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
(no subject)
thinking a lot existentially as i make these production files and how i feel like i'm especially sensitive to ... guilt/coercion?
doesn't even matter what kind of coercion or what area of life i encounter it in.
sensitive in that there's an immediate visceral bristling, opposing reaction.
the micro version with tech dark patterns (looking at your auto-renewal shenanigans, bluehost) (also why i've been making my site moves). on the other hand in a more extreme way - larger macro spiritual coercion/guilt aka why i have issues with organized religions/denominations tbh... i like jesus as a leader intellectually but the whole broader 'inherently born with sin' religion thing always struck me as coercion/blackmail of sorts. then somewhat relatedly there's the common intellectual coercion where a random community or group might try to guilt or bully you into thinking what the Party Line Should Parrot.
(inadvertent?) guilt even with family/acquaintances. sure most times they don't mean it, and 95% of the time i'm so chill that the rare 5% of crossing those boundaries always take various people off guard. all of my worst fights essentially come down to 'don't guilt me / please back off from this boundary. i'm saying it loudly instead of quietly again.'
funny how coercion is also up there in terms of kink & favorite fictional tropes lol /tmi /selfaware
but like....
digging a little deeper as to 'why' coercion specifically elicits that reaction, it might be a combination of things but it's.... i feel so weary of life in general as a low level feeling, i didn't choose to be here, right (always have been a misanthrope) so like. if i am going to make the active enduring choice to be here [cue exaggerated drama queen sigh] on planet earth as i have chosen and likely will choose, even with this cursed ass frankenstein body--
(eg this, for lulz):
-- i am damn well going to live on my own terms as much as i can. none of this strings bullshit. if i allow somebody to coerce me / be in the driver's seat briefly, i'm going to be aware of it and ultimately be the one to opt in.
and i guess its more relevant / top of mind for me since for most people if a situation gets truly bad/abusive enough they can walk away from it with ease. physically walk away, or at least create physical distance. but like, with a constant need for caregivers, stable housing/transport/power to charge hearing devices/hot mess of medical dependence etc etc, navigating active and passive power structures is honestly just a ... instinctive way of life. wish i could opt out but eh wasn't meant to happen.
thank god i've been able to navigate myself into a place where i'm pretty happy/remarkably intellectually autonomous considering, but i'm always acutely aware of what might erode that, you know? (gestures at the above)
idk interesting web of thoughts, that.
(this all came up as a stray thought with the following thought being '..... that's probably not your typical way of thinking, might be worthwhile to archive')
doesn't even matter what kind of coercion or what area of life i encounter it in.
sensitive in that there's an immediate visceral bristling, opposing reaction.
the micro version with tech dark patterns (looking at your auto-renewal shenanigans, bluehost) (also why i've been making my site moves). on the other hand in a more extreme way - larger macro spiritual coercion/guilt aka why i have issues with organized religions/denominations tbh... i like jesus as a leader intellectually but the whole broader 'inherently born with sin' religion thing always struck me as coercion/blackmail of sorts. then somewhat relatedly there's the common intellectual coercion where a random community or group might try to guilt or bully you into thinking what the Party Line Should Parrot.
(inadvertent?) guilt even with family/acquaintances. sure most times they don't mean it, and 95% of the time i'm so chill that the rare 5% of crossing those boundaries always take various people off guard. all of my worst fights essentially come down to 'don't guilt me / please back off from this boundary. i'm saying it loudly instead of quietly again.'
but like....
digging a little deeper as to 'why' coercion specifically elicits that reaction, it might be a combination of things but it's.... i feel so weary of life in general as a low level feeling, i didn't choose to be here, right (always have been a misanthrope) so like. if i am going to make the active enduring choice to be here [cue exaggerated drama queen sigh] on planet earth as i have chosen and likely will choose, even with this cursed ass frankenstein body--
(eg this, for lulz):
-- i am damn well going to live on my own terms as much as i can. none of this strings bullshit. if i allow somebody to coerce me / be in the driver's seat briefly, i'm going to be aware of it and ultimately be the one to opt in.
and i guess its more relevant / top of mind for me since for most people if a situation gets truly bad/abusive enough they can walk away from it with ease. physically walk away, or at least create physical distance. but like, with a constant need for caregivers, stable housing/transport/power to charge hearing devices/hot mess of medical dependence etc etc, navigating active and passive power structures is honestly just a ... instinctive way of life. wish i could opt out but eh wasn't meant to happen.
thank god i've been able to navigate myself into a place where i'm pretty happy/remarkably intellectually autonomous considering, but i'm always acutely aware of what might erode that, you know? (gestures at the above)
idk interesting web of thoughts, that.
(this all came up as a stray thought with the following thought being '..... that's probably not your typical way of thinking, might be worthwhile to archive')